There’s an unspoken rule about breakups : just when one person has finally moved on, the other suddenly reappears. Whether it’s a late-night text, a random “How have you been?” or a nostalgic comment on social media, that ex comes back—sometimes to reconnect, sometimes because they don’t know how to let go.
I’ve been on both sides of this strange equation. With my first love, I was the one who couldn’t help but reach out. We’ve been apart for 11 years, but for a long time, I kept checking in. Not because I wanted to get back together, but because I genuinely cared about him. Yet I knew that every time I did, it opened an old wound for him—one he hadn’t fully healed. After realizing this, I stopped. It’s been a year since my last message. I miss knowing how he’s doing, but I know that my presence in his life isn’t helping him move on.
Who’s the Toxic One?
Is the person who keeps coming back toxic? Or is the one who struggles to let go the one in need of healing? Honestly, it’s not that simple. When an ex comes back into your life, it might not always be out of selfishness or manipulation. Sometimes, they’re genuinely trying to maintain a connection with someone who mattered deeply to them. But intentions don’t always match impact. Even if their goal isn’t to hurt, their return can reopen emotional wounds for the person who’s trying to heal.
On the flip side, being the one who suffers after a breakup doesn’t mean you’re weak. I’ve been there too—with another ex who kept reappearing in my life, only to disappear just as quickly. Every time he came back, I allowed myself to believe there was something meaningful still there. And every time he left, I had to start the process of forgetting all over again. Even now, I find it hard to let go completely, not because I still love him, but because a part of me still remembers what we had.
Who Deserves Sympathy?
So, who do we pity? The ex who can’t stop checking in or the one who can’t seem to move on? Maybe both. Relationships leave marks, and sometimes those marks are harder to erase for one person than the other. It’s easy to call someone toxic for not letting go, but the truth is, they might just be lost in their own emotions, clinging to a connection that once felt like home.
In my case, I stopped reaching out to my first love because I realized that my well-meaning messages weren’t doing either of us any good. Even though he still matters to me, I know I have to let him live his life without my presence constantly pulling him back into the past. And with the ex who kept coming back into my life, I’ve had to learn to draw boundaries for my own peace of mind, even when part of me wanted to leave the door open.
Letting Go Is Hard—For Both Sides
Whether you’re the one who comes back or the one who struggles to forget, letting go is rarely easy. It’s messy, it’s painful, and sometimes it feels impossible. But at some point, we have to choose to stop revisiting the past—not because it didn’t matter, but because we deserve to move forward without carrying its weight.
Maybe that’s the real art of letting go: recognizing that some connections, no matter how deep, aren’t meant to last forever. And that’s okay.
So, if you’re someone who keeps checking in on an ex, ask yourself why. Are you holding on to something that’s already gone? And if you’re the one still struggling to forget, be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t a straight line—it’s a process. One day, you’ll wake up and realize you don’t need their return to feel whole again.
Until then, let’s all try to be a little kinder to ourselves—and to each other. After all, love, even when it ends, leaves a mark.
